Sunday, May 1, 2011

So many little time.

I run around throughout my week and think "Oh! I want to blog about that." or "That would be a good blog..." But do I have time to get to them during the week? Rarely. And then when I do have time to sit down and blog, I draw blanks. "What did I say I wanted to blog about?" Which is where I sit this morning. This week has been crazy emotional for me for multiple reasons.

1. Our homestate of Alabama had a major storm rip through on Wed. and left over 200 dead and major devastation. We are thankful to have family and friends safe. Michael's sister and her husband had their roof ripped off of their apt. and our church home had a huge oak tree fall into the sanctuary. We are thankful all of these things can be fixed and are replaceable. Praise. But to look at the pictures being posted on facebook and online bring us to tears. Hearing of the lives lost. And here we sit 8 hours away unable to physically help. I have been so encouraged by our church family living out the gospel this week. Going into neighborhoods helping with damaged homes and taking resources to those in need. What an opportunity this is to truly live out the gospel. It has been such a blessing to me to see the Lord use this horrid thing for His glory and that is my prayer.

2. Long story short (this should and hopefully will be a post on it's own soon..)--we are prayerfully considering moving to an oncampus apt. Fun right. I guess we like to change it up every six months :) It is crazy to think about moving again and the packing involved, but we really feel that it will be good for our family and much needed for me especially. We were discouraged this week to find out there are no 2 bedroom apts. and won't be any coming available in the near future. This crushed my spirits when we found it out. There are multiple 3 bedrooms, but we at first thought that was out of the question and something we shouldn't and couldn't consider. Well...we are now considering it. I had a bit of a meltdown on Michael. I had gotten my hopes up so much about moving on campus and that being such an awesome way for us to build relationships here, especially for me. It is harder to do that where we are now. We love our place and all, but it takes more effort to meet others and build deeper relationships. Anyways, hopefully I can share more on this later, but for now you can pray for us as we make this decision. We want make a wise choice and not above our means, but we are feeling like this is going to be yet another chance for us to trust and follow the Lord's leading not really knowing all the answers like where finances will come from and all. Crazy times.

3. And...we are approached the 2 year mark of when we had the miscarriage. I have been thinking about things a lot this week. Thinking of how awesome I felt this time 2 years ago, before the miscarriage. It didn't help this week for me to look back at these pictures, that I will say we have never really shared... These were taken the day we went and told grandparents they were going to have another grandbaby. SK wore a shirt that said, "Big sister", which is currently sitting on top of her dresser and I don't know what do to with. How excited I was to be pregnant and how I wanted to shout it outloud for all to hear. And here we are 2 years later still unable to shout out anything (in regards to pregnancy). I don't want this to control my mind so much every year. I want to be able to say that yeah, that was a hard time, but be able to not sulk in it. I want to be able to look at all of the other blessing I have had through my life and rejoice in those. Like this cute little blessing... I want to truly believe Christ is enough, but I struggle so much with my unbelief. Why do I always have to say if only....I was pregnant, then Christ is good...or if only we knew exactly how life was going to look for us in the future, then I could really believe what scripture tells me. I know my Lord Jesus loves me and knows the desires of my heart....but do I believe it day in and day out. Honestly, no. Then I proceed to beat myself up for feeling that way. How selfish am I. How ungrateful. We were blessed with SK and some people are never able to even have 1. It has been neat to see already how the Lord is using this stage in our life to shape us into who he wants us to be. Had we not been through this desert, would I even consider adoption? He is already giving me glimpses into why we had to go through this, through his lovingkindness. I have seen how he is using this to help me to be able to relate to others who have or are going down this road. I want to be an encouragement to those. I find it encouraging when I am going through this to see others who say I am not the only one and I am not alone and I am not crazy for going through some of the emotions I have been through and am still going through.

Ok. So there is my week's emotional rollercoaster. I probably should have warned you it would be a crazy ride :) Buckle up. I have been very much encouraged this week too though by seeing Christ through our friends back home and all. I also got to enjoy some good and much needed girl time last night. I need adult conversation and got a good 4 hours of it last night. Uninterupted. It was lovely. It is nice to sit down with other moms and know I am not the only one who struggles with this or that and to be encouraged to see how they handle certain struggles or how they handled them wrong and had to humble themselves in front of their children. I need to be able to do that more. I want SK to know more than just how to follow my rules and guidelines. I want her to know Christ. First and foremost. I want to point her to scripture instead of just "mommy says do this!" I want that to be our guidebook. It boils down to my struggle with control and pride. I am such a sinner. A dirty rotten sinner trying to raise a dirty rotten sinner.

1 comment:

  1. I love you all...and that day 2 tears ago is ingrained upon my heart. The joy, the happiness, the excitement, the praise.....then the pain as I saw you guys hurting, the disppointment, the discouragement, the why's......and now Praise God, through you and Michael I am learning how to turn all that negative into a positive again and once again I feel joy, excitement, praise......don't really know why....just because...I know.....God is in control...laways has been and always will's the letting go that is hard.
    Praise God from whom all Blessings flow.