Honestly Me

well...me again.  the unpregnant me.  You know what I am really tired of?  Let's make a list, shall we.

1.  You know when you call your obgyn to talk to the nurse (which I have had to do multiple times lately doing this whole clomid thing and having to go in for labs and such...).  They ALWAYS ask when you call, "Are you pregnant?"  You know how many times I have had to answer that dumb question in the last 3 years.  It really stinks. 

2.  When people ask, "Is she (refering to SK) your only one? "  Been asked that a few times lately.  Hate that question.

3.  Seeing facebook updates with people announcing their pregnancy.  And refering to being so "blessed" to be adding to their family. Now, if you are reading this and are one of those people, don't be mad at me.  It's just hard to see time after time people so giddy excited about being pregnant and talking all about it on facebook.  I should stop looking on there. 

I am pretty poopy about this whole infertility thing right now.  I don't really want to even think about it anymore.  I don't want to hear it will be alright....or just to keep trusting the Lord....or anything really encouraging right now.  I just want to sulk I guess.  I am kinda feeling hopeless about the whole thing.  Why am I even continuing with the whole clomid thing when I really am loosing hope of it working.  I have found myself pretty sarcastic feeling about the whole thing to be honest.  My attitude really stinks and I could use some prayers, not that I don't ask for them all the time anyways. 
I know the truth.  I know the Lord loves me and has a plan.  I know what the scriptures say.  I just don't get it.  I don't get why.  I don't get any of it.  I want to be the one that gets to finally FINALLY announce that we are pregnant.  But I can't.  Each month comes and goes and I get hopes up many of those months just to be crushed.

God is good.  ALL the time God is good.  I want to believe that.  I do.  Some days I really do, but today I am struggling to. 
I want SK to have siblings.  I want....ugh.  I don't even want to go down this road.  I am pretty done.  At what point do I or I guess it would be more accurate to say can I give it all to the Lord.  I try.  I want to. 

What does it mean to be a child of God?

Hey folks! Michael here...its been a while since I've been on here, but now that I am on break from the semester I thought I'd post a few blogs on my thoughts from the semester. For this post I will first recommend a great book that I read this semester called Children of the Living God by Sinclair Ferguson, and give some of my thoughts about a couple of themes from the book and tell you what I have learned from them...so stick with me and hopefully I will do Ferguson's book justice and maybe you will find an interest in reading it for yourself.

Born Into a New Family
In chapter 2 Ferguson discusses the reality of man's need to be born again so that he can be become a child of God. He says that to be “born again” means to share in the resurrection life with Christ and to enter into fellowship with Him as family. Ferguson says that our tendency is to think of being born again as some “inexplicable, private, mystical experience while forgetting the magnitude of what it means to enter into “fellowship and brotherhood” with Christ. He goes on to say that when we grasp the weight of what it means to be born again (to enter into brotherhood with Christ) there will be no such thing as a boring conversion experience, but rather, we would have a deep gratitude for what God has done for us.

I think that Ferguson has accurately depicted the way many Christians view being “born again.” As he stated, we often focus more on having the experience than we do on what it meant for God to give us a new birth. We tend to think of our new birth as a “get out of jail free” card while forgetting that our “getting out of jail” was far from free. It cost Christ giving up his own rights as the true Son of God so that we might become sons and daughters of God. Christ Himself said, “the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many" (Mark 10:45).

I am so moved by Ferguson's thoughts in this chapter. It is a wonderful reminder to us to think of what it really means to be born again, and what it cost for us to be given this new birth. Being born again is not just a check on a list of experiences for the Christian. It is entrance into a new life and membership into a family. It is incredible to think that we were once enemies, rebelling against God, but now as a believer we are brothers and sisters with Jesus Christ, and therefore also co-heirs with Christ as well! When I am reminded of this reality, I am overcome by the power of my new identity in Christ.

Our Freedom as a Family Member
In chapter 7 Ferguson expounds on the freedom that the believer has as a child of God as well as how that freedom is to be exercised in the context of community. He begins by saying that we are freed from the traditions of men and bound only to the Word of God. He says that we “must permit that liberty to be enjoyed by other members of the family.” In the following section, he reminds us of the proper use of this freedom. We are not to use the freedom as a license, nor are we to exercise it in a spirit of indifference toward brothers and sisters in Christ.

This is an excellent reminder to us for the two reasons I mentioned above. One is that we are bound only by the Word of God, and two, that we should always we mindful of others as we exercise this freedom. “True Christian freedom does not consist of the increase of 'my rights.' It consists of service!” (p. 98) I think a great example of this is when Paul discusses eating meat which as been sacrificed to idols. He says we have the freedom to eat it, however, we should never cause another brother or sister to stumble in doing so.

I think this applies to our lives in how we view the purpose of our freedom as a child of God. God has freed us because he loves us, but our freedom is not primarily about us. We are freed by God from the things that kept us from loving God and loving others. From the things that kept us from glorifying God out of a response to his love for us. We are freed from the bondage of the law in order that we might respond in love and obedience to God. When I exercise my freedom as a child of God, I must always ask the question, “Am I loving my heavenly Father who freed me, or am I only loving the freedom?”

Happy Birthday, Mimi!!

So 1 more blog, then I have to take a break :)
I wanted to take a sec to wish this very pretty lady a Happy, Happy Birthday!!
Love you Mimi!!

Christmas in Alabama continued...

The second part of our trip we spent at Mimi's house.  We started off our time there having "Chrismas dinner" with the whole family.  SK was so super excited to see everyone, esp. her "best friend" Haven and her other little cousin MacKenzie.  They had a blast playing together.  SK and Haven had a sleepover and were so cute snuggling up in their bed together.  We had fun baking and making a gingerbread house with the girls.  The cookies were a bit of a fail though.  We changed a couple of the ingredients, since we were lacking what was called for in the recipe, and it didn't work at all.  SO, instead we went to the cookie store after dinner and got some yummy cookies there :)  The gingerbread house turned out super cute though!

We also surprised my mom with a gift from all of her kids and granddaughters with a photo sessions scheduled the next morning.  Virginia once again did an awesome job getting some really good pictures of such crazy little girls. 

 

Our time in Alabama was way too short. We wished we could have taken more time, but we are thankful for what we got :)

Next I need to blog about our actual Christmas day and eve here. Oh and, I need to blog about SK's little ballet dance that she did the last week of the semester for her ballet class. Lots to catch everyone up on!



Christmas in Alabama

As soon as Michael finished up his exams, we jumped on a  plane and headed south :)  We were so thankful to be able to fly and spend some time with our family and friends in Alabama.  We spent the first part of our trip with Nana and Papa.  It was quite fun to get off the plane and have them waiting on us at the airport.  SK went running to them as soon as she saw them.  It was too cute.  Back to the plane ride...SK loved riding the plane (this was her first time to fly).  She wanted the window seat and her face was glued to the window almost the whole time. 

 
She asked before taking off, "Do the wings flap?"  hehe.  Then when we were getting ready to descend, she asked, "But, how do we get down?"  It was pretty cute.  We started our time in Alabama off right with a meal at Nikki's West downtown getting some yummy southern veggies and fried chicken.   The next day we spent lots of time baking yummy goodies :)

We had a special surprise for Nana and Papa, that we gave them on Friday night over at Lauren and Jeremiah's house.  We all (Michael, me, and SK, and Lauren and Jeremiah) went in together and gave them a photo shoot scheduled for the next morning.  Our dear friend, Virginia took the pictures.  It was so fun to get to take pictures together.  There are some really cute ones too.   I need to get to printing some to frame around here :)

More blogs to come...Mimi's house is up next :)

December fun!

Well, it's time to play catch up on the blog.  We have been too busy having fun to take time to blog, so now I must play catch up.  So let's rewind back to a couple weeks ago.  SK was in our church's Christmas play put on by all of the kids.  We have been listening to the song that her group sang for many weeks in our car and she loved it.  We got a video of her, but I am not sure how to do videos on here, so you will have to settle for pictures. 

She had fun and did a great job (esp. considering her age :))!



Ice Skating Date

So Friday afternoon, Michael took some time out from his studies and school stuff and we went on a date.  It was kinda a class assignment too :)  We took a weekend class a few weeks back and part of the class assignment is to go on a date with your significant other.  Yep, fun class.  There are other things he has to do too for the class, but part of it was to go on a date.  I likey. 
Ok.  SO Friday afternoon after I got done nannying, we left Sk with some friends here on campus and headed to go iceskating.  Outdoors.  I think it was the first time for both of us to go skating outside ever.  In Forest park, there is a place called Steinberg Skaing Rink, which is open during the winter time for iceskating.  So fun.  We headed there and got our skates and went out on the ice.  I went slowly.  It has been about 9 years since our last time to skate, so we (esp. me...) were a bit rusty.  It was so much fun to skate with each other and chat as we skated around.  There were a couple people out that could really skate, so they were fun to watch too. 
After skating, we headed to get some coffee and chat for a bit.  I like going on dates.  I love my husband and getting to spend time with him.  It was nice to take a couple hours time out from our crazy busy life right now and just hang out. 
Alright...enough of that.  Love you babe :)

Let the snowing commense...

We are officially in winter here.  It's cold.  Very cold.  To me at least ;)  Yesterday we had our first sighting of snowflakes falling and today there has been more.  Not enough to collect on the ground, but today was colecting on our outdoor chairs and car.  SK was so excited.  She gets this whole "yeah! It's snowing" thing from her daddy, not me.  I told her it was snowing during lunch (maybe should have waiting till after lunch...) and she ran for her coat and gloves and begged to go outside.  I let her play outside of our door while I stayed (with some friends that had come over for lunch :)) indoors.  She got out there and just stared up at the snowflakes falling.  Then she tried to collect the little bit of snow that had collected on the chair to make a snowball.  All of this while mommy enjoyed her warm soup and being indoors.  She was fun to watch though.  Then...she gets truly upset when it stops snowing.  She almost cried I think.  Poor thing.  If only she truly understood that we are just getting geared up for winter and there will more than likely be plenty more of that snow in the coming weeks.
We are enjoying the Christmas season too.  We went last week to see a great park that does lots of Christmas lights.  We piled in our van (oh, the perks of being a minivan family now...) with some friends and their little girl and drove through the park.  It was fun and SK loved it.

Mommy and Sk!

Fun tunnel we drove through!



Blurry pic of the lights...best I got :)



Then this last weekend, Michael and I got to have ourselves a little night out for Covenant's Christmas banquet.  It was really fun.  We had a yummy dinner then got to listen to a great band and enjoy hanging out with other Covenant folks.  It was quite the night, esp. seeing the professors enjoying themselves on the dancefloor.  If you look on youtube--search Jimmy Agan dancing, and you can see for yourself.  It's pretty funny :)    He along with many other's had a blast dancing.
 

Other than that we just find ways to entertain ourselves indoors these days :)

Random

I have lots on my mind, but not sure what to blog about.  So I will give you a random list...

1. Michael laughed about the last post :)  I told him it was good to blog about it so that when we are old we can look back at that post and it will give us a good laugh.

2. We leave for Alabama in exactly 2 weeks.  Woohoo.  I told Michael I need to start packing and he laughed at me...

3.  I read 2 papers of Michael's yesterday to check them for him before he turned them in today.  I am so proud of him.  Am I allowed to say that?  Yeah, I am.  He is pretty awesome and I get to call him my husband.  Now he has studying to do for a final tomorrow then on to the next paper due next week, then more finals after that.

4. There are so many things up in the air for our future right now.  We were talking last night about it and it is really crazy.  So many things.  There's the fact that we don't know if/when we will be blessed with any more children.  Whether those children will be of my womb or adopted.  When that will happen or if it will happen.  I am daily preaching to myself that I have to lay it at the cross and give it to Him.  I have been confused for the last couple weeks to be honest.  After getting my hopes up about the possiblity of the Lord opening the door for adoption through the other job for me then closing it, I was totally confused.  Upset and confused if I am being completely honest.  I want to be the Lord's servant however that may look, but a glimpse into how the Lord is working through all of this would be good.  Then there is the whole clomid thing.  Do I get my hopes up?  It didn't work last month...will it work at all?  That's up to the Lord.  We are in his hands, I know that.

5. Then we are also up in the air about what will happen after seminary.  It is a crazy place to be in where we are just completely trusting the Lord to pave the way for where he will have us serve.  I am not sure if I have ever completely explained on this blog what we are doing really and why we up and quit our jobs, moved to the COLD midwest for seminary and what we desire to do when we are done here.  That might should be another blog post, but we are willling to go wherever the Lord leads.  We have a desire for Campus ministry (college) either here in the states or overseas.  Pretty crazy to think we could be in Alabama, New York, California, or Africa, or Europe, or who knows where in the future.  We are crazy.  I know. 

6. Back to the last blog.  Michael did laugh, but did inform me that Sk has picked up a habbit in her sleep that is like her mommy.  She and I smack in our sleep.  I guess we like food and dream about eating a lot in our sleep.  Daddy gets woken up by me sometimes when I get to smacking and has to hold my mouth shut to get me to stop.  SO there's my secret :)  I guess we are just a funny family in our sleep.

Alright.  Off to get busy getting my list of things for the day checked off.  Happy Thursday everyone!  (And if I don't get back here before the weekend, have a good weekend :)  I know I will--we have a date tomorrow night! woohoo!)

Sweet Dreams...

I thought I would share some goofy SK stories, while I remember them.  So when Sk wakes up in the morning she likes to as she puts it "snuggle on the couch".  I love it.  Love love love it.  And I ask her if she slept good, if she stayed under her covers and warm, and the best question lately has been did you have sweet dreams?  To which she replies yes and I ask what they were about.  Some of her dreams lately incude:
--"I dreamed about yogrit pie!"  --yogrit equals yogurt, but that is how she says it :)
--"I dreamed about apples..."
She dreams, or at least says she dreams a lot about food :)
Then, this morning I asked her what she dreamed about and she said that she dreamed about going to Alabama to see her "grandpas", which she then corrected herself and said, "I mean, grandparents!"  It was cute.  So Nana, and Papa, and Mimi--she dreamed about coming to see you guys last night :)
Thought yall might like this story :)
On another note, Michael has been a bit sleep deprived lately.  He has lots of papers and such coming due soon, and therefore stays up late to work on them.  One morning last week he woke up and discovered his socks under his head.  At some point while sleeping, he must have taken his socks off and put them on his pillow.  He might kill me for telling this story...hehe.  I can't not share though.  It was too funny :)  And he loves me too much to kill me :)  Right, Babe?!?
Hope everyone else is having sweet dreams too :)

Christmas decorating!

On Friday morning (after sleeping in a little) we started decorating.  This was the first year that I did not go black Friday shopping.  For years and years my mom and I have always shopped the day after Thanksgiving sales, but seeing that I was in St. Louis, that didn't get to happen this year.  So instead of waking up before the sun and going out with all the craziness, we had a family morning at home decorating.  It was a fun change, even though I did miss doing that tradition with my mom.  SK was so excited this year.  She remembered that she had her very own tree that Nana and Papa got her last year, so that had to be the first thing we got up.  She was all into the decorating and helping. 

Let's decorate!

Putting the star on herself :)



Final Product :)

We got her tree up then decided to venture out to the mall just for fun to see what deals were happening.  We walked around the mall for a bit and left with a bag of m&m's.  That was our only purchase that day.  Yep.  That afternoon, SK and I took a nap in her bed, well...actually I took the nap and she ended up playing.  Then we had leftovers and put up our tree in the living room.  It was a fun family day!

And this is our wreath this year!  I didn't get a great pic, but it was a pinterest idea and I think it turned out really cute.



Thanksgiving 2011

We had a great Thanksgiving with friends this year.  We missed not being with our family, but were thankful to get to spend the day with a great group of friends.  I didn't get many good pictures, but I got a few.  We started out the day at the house that I nanny at where they were having brunch with friends and family.  Then all the ladies came over to my place and we got to work on dinner preparations.  I was in charge of the turkey (first time ever to cook a turkey!) and dressing and gravy.  I must say they turned out pretty good for a first timer :)  We had lots of yummy food and fun.  There were a total of 5 girls, so SK had a blast with all of her friends over. 
Sk helped make the place marker "turkeys" a couple days prior and all the girls worked together to make the "thankful tree" and write down things they were thankful for.  Well..."write" down I mean.  Aka scribble and tell us what they were writing.  We ended up putting the girls to bed and continuing to hang out till about 11:00.  We really had so much fun :)

SK riding on Daddy back from Molly's house.  She wore her Turkey outfit I had made her!

The Turkey! (Already started to cut it when I remembered to take a pic!)

 The girls working on their Thankful tree

 Dinner time!

 Casey playing with all the kids! 

 Dessert please :)

 Tee-Pee's SK and I made :)

 Turkeys!

Thankful tree final product!

We hope everyone else had a good thanksgiving as well.  God has blessed us so much and it was a funn day to reflect on all that the Lord has blessed us with.  We are so thankful for these friends that the Lord has blessed us with to share special days like this together and to be each other's "family" when we can't be with our blood family on days like this.  More posting to come soon hopefully.  Michael is gonna do a post (hopefully) about going to the Rams game and then we can do a blog on our Christmas decorating!

I never thought.....

I would do this.  I was the mom this morning, that went to the bathroom to hide the fact that I was eating a Christmas tree cake for breakfast.  I hid from SK.  Yep.
I remember as a kid finding my mom hiding in her bedroom, behind her Sunday School lesson, eating chocolate.  Now I find myself doing the same thing.
Michael teased that he was going to rat me out.  He didn't.  And it was yummy.  It was for her best, right? :)
We were going to early service at church this morning and we were in a hurry.  I had to.  Really.  I had no choice.  It was that or go hungry.  Well...ok, maybe I could have eaten something where it didn't require me hiding from my daughter....
Moving on.
Our reason for early church:  Michael got invited to the Rams (pro-football team in town).  He and 2 friends are at the game now.  He needed a day off, and I am glad he is getting it. 
He has lots of papers due soon and plenty of school work to get done in the next few weeks.

We have had a busy but good (for the most part) weekend.  We had class together Friday night and all day Sat.   It was titled "Gospel Centered Marriage" taught by Bryan and Kathy Chapell.  It was really good.  It was refreshing to have this time with my husband and learn together.  I was pooped by the time we were done yesterday.  I was in bed at 8:00 p.m.  Yep.  I was asleep before SK.

On a last side note.  I won't be having a second job, like I talked about in a previous post.  Not the Lord's plan I guess.  What does this mean for everything?  I have no clue.  I wish I did. 
Off to dance to Christmas music with SK :)  We are enjoying our day together getting some presents wrapped and our crafting on.

Monkey update

Thought I might take a few moments to do a SK post.  I am horrible at writing down things about her and I want to be able to look back and remember some of these fun things she was up to at this age.
She is at such a fun age.  I can't believe how big she is getting.  It is so funny to me that she asks to call her grandparents or random friends and also wants to send text messages.  She loves to send messages on my phone.  I have to limit her :) 
Last night at church, we were talking in her class of things we were thankful for and she said she was thankful for Mountains and Ladybugs.   Cute kid!
She loves painting these days too.  And playing house.  And "writing notes" or scribbling :)
She is still loving books.  She could read all day, well, that and watch movies.  We have to mix it up more than that though, so we paint a lot lately and she loves to help me in the kitchen too.  It is fun that she is really getting to the age where she can help and do more.  I love having a little helper.
The girl would pick out a dress or skirt to wear every day if it was up to her.  She runs to her room every morning when I say it is time to get dressed and yells "I want to pick a dress!  That's a good idea!"
Going along with that, she plays dress up just about every day.  There have been many days where I leave her in her room (in her bed) for nap and when I check on her later she has snuck out of her bed and ended up back in her bed asleep with her ballet dress or princess dress on.
She did that one night when Mimi was here.  She got out of her jammies and into her leotard without us hearing any of it.  Goofy kid.  You never know what she will end up wearing by the end of her nap.
She loves to sing.  It is so so precious to be a teacher in her Wed. night class and here her sing all of her songs.  I love it.  She goes to bed singing her favorites.  Melts my heart.
She is quite the cuddler, and I love that.  There are many days where I am busy doing something in the kitchen or around the apt. and she says, "Momma, do you want to snuggle with me on the couch?"  Um, yes.  I refuse to ever be too busy to say no to that.  I don't want to miss any chance to snuggle with my girl.  The laundry and dishes will be there later.
Ok, so there's an update.

The is the only picture I have taken lately.  See SK?  Not a good pic, I know, but this was from her singing with all of the Kirk Kids at church on Sunday morning.  She was so cute, at least I think so :) 

It's a good day...

This has been a good day.  I have not had an alarm in 5 days.  So. Very. Nice.  If I haven't shared/grumbled about my 5 a.m. alarm before, that is my normal wake up time on the weekdays at least.  Well, I have had off since last Friday and it has been lovely and refreshing.  Today, I felt like cooking.  SO, SK and I headed to Trader Joe's this morning and got some things including our turkey for next week (woohoo for Thanksgiving!).  We had some friends come over and hang out while we cooked up some fun things.  Originally we planned to just make some homemade cheezits, which were pretty stinkin awesome!  But, I also wanted to make some apple chips, but failed to set the timer for them, and completely burnt them.  Sad, I know.  Then for lunch we decided to make some Zucchini boats and tomato soup.  I am feeling quite healthy :)
I love how the Lord puts people into your lives that we can walk through this journey of life together with.  I am such a relationship kind of person.  I need time with girlfriends, and cherish times like this morning.  They are refreshing.  It is fun to rejoice together over exciting things and encourage each other and just hang out. 
Last week was crazy and it's not over.  I don't know where the Lord is taking us, but I want to submit to His Sovereignty and trust His plan for our lives.  I am just too much of a planner and want to know what things will look like.  I like control like that.  Don't lie...you do too, right? :)  The Lord has brought us to this place thought where we have nothing else to do but just trust and rely on him.  We don't have control.  Clomid doesn't give me control.  Nothing gives me control.  It's not mine.  God is driving this roller coaster and it is going to be a beautiful ending....I know it is.

Thank you Lord for today. 

I want be content, I do.  I have so much to be thanful for.  I am so incredibly blessed.  SO much.  Beyond anything I deserve.  I deserve death and hell.  BUT, through Jesus Christ, I instead get life and heaven.  Wow.  What else can I do, but stand in awe of God and his grace and love for his children.

Oh my.

I don't really know where to start.  Life has been crazy for me this week.  I feel like I can't even process everything well.  I feel like the rollercoaster I am on just got added on to with all new twists and flips.  I am confused.  I am bummed.  I am hopeful.  I struggle with unbelief.  I am angry.  I am excited.
Yep.  Welcome to my last few days.
Not sure how much to share now. 
Just a glimpse for yall.  We decided last month after talking with our doctor (remember that posts?)  to go forward with clomid.  I was not ovulating and this seemed like a road that the Lord was opening up for us.  I am not very hopeful at this point that it worked or will work this month. 
Add on to that that I have decided to take another job, on top of my full time nannying and caring for SK.  Just part time.  I am excited about it, but it is crazy.  Really crazy.
I am seeing the Lord work through this, but I struggle with my unbelief.
Could this be that the Lord is openning doors for us to be able to begin looking towards adoption while here in seminary?  Can we handle this?  Where on earth will the funds come from?  I wish money wasn't an issue.  I really just don't like money.  I know if the Lord is calling us to this, He will give us everything we need including the finances, the time, the sanity...
Today.  I feel like crying.  I want to trust the Lord, but I don't know if I even know how to in the midst of this craziness.

Halloween 2011

I am attempting to catch up with my blogging.  Not to say I will stay caught up, but I am trying at least, right?   On Monday, we had a fun evening of parading around in costumes and trick or treating.   SK requested to be Rapunzel this year.  This was the first year she got a vote in what she wanted to be.  She already had the costume (received for her birthday from Nana and Papa) so all we did was make some fun Rapunzel hair.  SK picked the brightest yellow yarn she could find and we went to work figuring out how to make long hair (braided with flowers of course, just like Rapunzel). 
We started out the night eating a quick bite with friends at our place then headed out to the basketball  court with all of the other kids on campus for a parade of costumes.  All the kiddos were so excited and cute.  After the parade the kids scattered to the apartments to go trick or treating.  SK really got into it.  After finishing up with the apartments here on campus, we headed with some friends to a neighborhood closeby and did a little more trick or treating. 
It was a fun night that wasn't too cold to begin with at least.  By the end of the night it was getting a bit chilly though. 
Now we have a big ole bowl of candy that keeps tempting me (and SK too).  It makes for good motivation to finish her meals though :)

SK with her buddy Joanna!

All the kiddos getting instructions before heading to trick or treat!

Trick or treating with Daddy!





All smiles at the end of the night with her buddies Kara and Sophia!