Sunday, February 27, 2011
There is no Christian who does not have time to pray without ceasing. But I mean the spiritual praying, that is: no one is so heavily burdened with his labor, but that if he will he can, while working, speak with God in his heart, lay before Him his need nad that of other men, ask for help, make petition, and in all this exercise and strengthen his faith.
Prayer is a special exercise of faith. Faith makes the prayer acceptable because it believes that either the prayer will be answered, or that something better will be given instead.
From this it follows that the one who prays correctly never doubts that the prayer will be answered, even if the very thing for which one prays is not given. For we are to lay our need before God in prayer but not prescribe to God a measure, manner, time, or place. We must leave that to God, for he may wish to give it to us in another, perhaps better, way than we think is best.
God sometimes delays, but He always comes.
It is amazing that a poor human creature is able to speak with God's high Majesty in heaven and not be afraid. When we pray, the heart and the conscience must not pull away from God because of our sins and our unworthiness, or stand in doubt, or be scared away. When we pray we must hold fast and believe that God has heard our prayer. It was for this reason that the ancients defined prayer as an Ascensus mentis ad Deum, "a climbing up of the heart unto God."
I find myself so many times as the prescriber of the problem. I want to tell God how I think things should be handled, and I know what is best for my life. Or on the other hand, I pray for things not really believing that God will give it or bless me with it. I have such a messed up heart, but it is amazing the things I am learning. I pray that I continue to learn and grow. I pray that I continue to learn what it means in submiting and leaning on the Lord's strength, not mine.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Okay, I must stop this soap box.
To go into the adoption thing a little farther. Our prayer right now is for the Lord to guide us in HIS timing. From what I have looked at thus far, this is not His timing. When will it be? You got me. If it was up to me, I would start the process today, or a month ago. But, it is not up to me. Remember what all I said yesterday concerning my control issues...
Are we absolutely crazy? I ask myself that a lot these days. It's not like we are settled and financially in a good place to begin thinking about forking out a good chunk of change and adding to our family right now. We are in seminary remember. I don't know why we are losing our minds, other than the Lord. He will provide if this is what He is calling us to, I know that. I have to remind myself of that even as we face the trials of these seminary years.
Going back to the whole infertility thing. You know what really bugs me. The questions. You know like:
So do yall want more children?
Isn't it about time to have some more?
When are yall gonna start having more?
How many children do yall want?
Now, I must admit, I have asked these questions myself many times. Not so much anymore though. Don't worry too, if you have asked me these questions. I don't hold it against you. I know they are innocent questions, not meaning to pain anyone. But I have learned, none of us hold the answer to any of those questions.
So I didn't start out this blog planning it to be another deep one. So much more on this topic, but I guess it is what is on my mind and heart these days. I must tell you though. After posting yesterdays blog, my spirits changed according to my husband. I was down that morning. I had talked with an adoption agency and feeling like we are being told that we will not be able to now. I needed to get this off of my chest. And I did change. It felt good to just let it out. So thanks for putting up with me and letting me get it out. That is for those that might actually read and make it through these long, crazy posts. If you have made it this far, thanks for reading and caring (you must care if you have taken the time to read about my crazy life). And if you pray for us, thanks. We need it. We are just some messed up sinners in need of a big Savior.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Here's the truth. Infertility is hard. It stinks. I have never been through anything harder in my life, other than losing a child in the womb. I struggle with God over why He gave us the desire to have more children to love and train up to be a part of the Kingdom, when we can't get pregnant. When we decided to start trying before SK, it happened immediately. Smooth (for the most part) pregnancy and all. Then we decide to try again near Sk's 1st bday, and boom, we get pregnant again immediately, which then was followed by the miscarriage only weeks later. Now here we sit, unable to conceive. I want to trust the Lord. I know His ways are best and all, but it is just hard to see in the midst of life right now.
I have learned so much from this time we have faced. I wish I could have learned it without going through this, but the Lord is using this to teach me that HE is the one in control, not me. He loves me and wants to bless us, but it will be in His ways, not mine.
I do believe that He will give us more children. It just might not be how I had pictured and planned it out in my head.
Now I struggle with do I hit the "publish post" button. I feel like we aren't alone in this struggle of infertility. I know of others that have so been there, even longer than we have. I sometimes feel so selfish to be saddened about this, when there are others out there that can't even have 1. I am so thankful for SK, and the Lord has greatly used this time to help me see how I should be more thankful. What a gift children are. What an incredible gift from the Lord. They aren't ours, we just get to have a moment with them, when you look at the big picture of eternity.
My heart aches for others who face this same struggle. Even more, my heart aches for those who face this struggle and don't know the Lord and have Him to lean on through it.
If you have children, give them an extra hug today. I know so many days I struggle with Sk over fits of power struggle and her wanting to control her world and me knowing what is best for her, I don't give her enough kisses or hugs. Isn't it amazing how the Lord uses our children to reveal to us the sin in our own hearts. As we teach and attempt to point Sk to her need for Christ, I am reminded that I need Christ every day just as much if not more than she. I need forgiveness as much as her. I need to run to my Daddy and ask forgiveness and crawl in His lap and let me love on me. He wants to, He just waits for me to come.
I can share that through this time in our life, the Lord seems to be using it to mold our hearts for His purposes. He is shaping our hearts in beautiful ways that are exciting and scary all at the same time. We have begun to feel strongly towards adoption. I will begin this with, this is not a plan b for us AT ALL. We would love to adopt for many reasons, first because we feel that is our call from Scripture. We as Christians are all called to care for ophans and widows. Do we do that well? Do we do it at all? No. We don't. I know that doesn't mean that we should all go out and adopt a child. We are all called in different ways to care for orphans and widows. Michael and I just feel that the Lord has put on our heart to care for an orphan by bringing them into our family and calling them our own. Sound familiar? Kinda like we are adopted by Christ. What a beautiful picture. There are so many things I could talk about that excite us about this. I could go on and on with stories of how adoption things have popped up randomly around us in the last few months. This is a poor analogy, but I told Michael I feel like I have been in a food fight some days with the amount of adoption things that have popped in front of our faces.
Who knows what this will become. Christ. We don't know how things will turn out, we just want to trust the Lord and wait patiently (as hard as it might be) to see how He will work in our lives. We just want to be vessels that He uses however He sees fit. Whether that be with us getting pregnant, adopting, or neither, or both :)
Do I share all of this? It's my heart right now. It is what my mind seems to constantly be on so many days. If anything, Lord--Let this be a way for prayers to be rung from your children for the many orphans that need you. I pray that the Lord uses this silly, jacked-up, doesn't always make sense of a blog, for His purposes, not mine.
Monday, February 21, 2011
We had a short work day and are back home napping. It's been raining here, so we are staying in more today. I am off to start dinner and do some laundry while Sk is still napping :) Wanna hear what we are doin for dinner. Sure you do :) Ok, so maybe you don't really care, but I know I like to get ideas from others when I get in a rut in the kitchen, so here is what we are up to this week:
Monday: Potato Soup with toasted Cheese
Tues: Homemade White pizzas
Wed: Leftover night since Michael won't be at home
Thurs: Roast with Potatoes and Carrots
Fri: DATE NIGHT!!! (rare treat!)--I have a $25 gift card to a neat looking restaurant at the Hill, I got for $7, so we will more than likely head over there, while SK enjoys hanging out at the Log Cabin for Parent's Night Out :)
Sat: Chicken and Rice Casserole, bread, and black eyed peas.
I hope to take some time later to post on some school things I have been doing with Michael. I am loving getting to learn along with him (and it is nice to learn and not have the stresses of the test or papers that he has to do). It really has been some good stuff we are reading together.
Happy President's Day yall!!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
So, moving on. We got up this morning and decided to head to a place called Soulard Market, towards downtown, which holds a year-round farmer's market. It was fun. South City is a cool little area we had not really checked out yet, so that was fun to go and see. We got some fresh veggies and even some fun homemade pasta--Lime Cilantro flavored, that I can't wait to try out for dinner some night soon! After leaving the market, we discovered a donut shop that sold the "World's Fair Donuts!", so we had to drop in a get a mid-morning snack. Prices were great at $1.60 for 3 yummy donuts :) Gotta love me a good deal right?!? We checked out Tower Grove park and also saw where Missouri Botanical Gardens is located and decided it was a must see on a warmer day! We had to head home today though, since Michael had to head back to work again today.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
1. I don't think I have mentioned on here, but have I mentioned that I am pretty proud of my hubby :) He's pretty smart you know...Well, when we moved here, Michael had to prepare for and take a "Bible Content Exam" for school. He was told not to stress over it, that it was ok if he didn't pass it the first time, but he would have to pass it at some point in seminary before graduating. How did he do? Passed :) He studied well for it and I knew he would do well, but wasn't sure what to expect. Good job babe!
2. Given the good weather we have been having, I decided to venture to the seminary playground today to let so play and maybe get to meet some other mommas. Well, Sk had fun, but I was kinda bummed not to get to meet any mommas. Not too many out there to begin with, so I know more play days are coming and hopefully I can meet some other women, but I just am ready for that, you know. I am no good at being assertive either, so that doesn't help.
3. Maja Clayton, one of my dearest friends from back in Moody, is pretty stinkin awesome. I got home from a tiring grocery trip today (after working) and there sat at my front door, a package from Maja (mailed). She sent me a ready to smock top for SK and extra material to make some pants to go with it :) I can't wait to smock it. What a lovely bday gift! Maja, you rock!
4. My house is slowly turning into a disaster zone. Not being home during the day is starting to show around the house. I guess I could get up and work on it now, but I wanna chill here with SK and eat dinner and watch Happy Feet, so that is what we shall do. Laundry can happen later.
5. I am still crafting, just haven't blogged about much of it lately. I will "try" to post some pictures sometime of things I have been up to like smocking an outfit for my niece (who's 1st bday is today!!), knitting a scarf for Michael, smocking a couple things for SK, ect. ect...
6. So Michael and I are tired of the same ole stuff for breakfast, so I am trying to mix it up and try out some new ideas. I saw in Pioneer Woman's cookbook (Thanks to my hubby getting it for me for my bday!!) a recipe for breakfast burritos make a batch of them and then freezing them individually. I am gonna try this out tomorrow and see how it goes.
7. I got a new pair of jeans yesterday at Target. Clearanced to $4!! I was in a hurry so I just grabbed the size that I thought would be mine and figured I could return if they didn't fit. Just too good of a deal to pass up, since I wear jeans just about every day. They fit!! Woohoo :)
8. Couponing is hard up here. For multiple reasons. There's no Publix here and the deals that go along with that. Deals are harder to come by. And my time is more limited with me working full time. This also means our grocery bills are twice what they were in B'ham. boo. I am working on it and we shall see....
9. Now that I am on b-12 shots, my appetite has gone through the roof. I eat breakfast and immediately start thinking about a snack. Eat lunch then think I could eat another lunch if I had the time or energy to get something else to eat. Also it isn't good for me and grocery shopping. I tend to want to do more impulse buying of things that "look good" but might not be on sale, which is so against my rules on grocery shopping. I like me some food lately. I made gooey butter cake on my bday. Yumm.
10. Now that we are pretty well settled around here I have gotten back into reading. So far I have read some good stuff. First book was by Mary Beth Chapman (Steven Curtis's wife) called Choosing to See. It was a good book. So good that I read it in 2 days. Now I am reading A Praying Life. I have had many friends read this and I am looking foward to it. Then my dear hubby is starting a book list for me of things he is reading that he really wants me to read. I am looking foward to learning as he does through his classes. Good stuff.
Well, I am off to get ready for bed. Maybe smock a little before sleep. We shall see. Night Night!!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
All in all, it was a good day. SK did draw me a cute b'day picture and when she wasn't in the middle of the fits, I got some good lovings from her and she told me Happy B'day! lots, and even sang Happy Birthday to me :)
I am off to work this morning, just 1/2 a day, then we are gonna have some fun with Mimi in town for the weekend!
Monday, February 7, 2011
SK got a special treat getting to go to Build a Bear!
We went to see the arch, but "unfortunately" we couldn't go to the top since they were doing some repairs...
Birthday Cupcakes with purple icing, SK's favorite color!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
*"i don't know what is wrong with me" --said when she is in a whiny mood most of the time
*"Please help my heart mama"
*"I'm dizzy to walk mama" --She uses the word Dizzy when she is tired. Its pretty funny.
*"That's gorgeous/pretty/beautiful!" She likes using those words when I am getting dressed or getting her dressed or Molly dressed. or she will ask me when she dresses in her dress up clothes "aren't i gorgeous?"
*"You so proud of me mama? Your proud that I put the tee-tee in the potty" To which I respond that Yes, I am so proud! And then she replys "I so proud of you too for putting your tee-tee in the potty too!"
*"that's fantastic!"--when she does something good!
SK is really at a fun age. Other than the whole testing the waters with control and pitching some pretty big fits. She has done great with the potty training. Some days at least. It really isnt very fun to potty train in the winter in St. Louis. Too many layers for a little girl who thinks she needs to go every 30 minutes. She loves the prizes more than anything. I have to figure out how to keep this potty thing going well and wean off so many prizes. Sugar and 2 years old can only last so long. Did I mention she likes to go every 30 minutes. She has started to figure out that she can say "Mama I tee-teed" and wants a prize, but the new rule around here is that I have to hear tee-tee or no prize. Sneaky kid.
Other things she is up to:
**She is starting to try to learn her letters more. She can write some of the letters including A and a few others. She says she can write her own name and scribbles on paper. She is so proud when she does that.
**She loves to color and tries really hard to color in the lines. Other things she loves to play with or do: dress up (she says she is a princess or a ballerina just about everyday!), dancing with music and singing (songs she knows like Jesus loves me, Head Shoulders Knees and Toes, Our God is a great big God, I will not be afraid, and many others that I can't think of right now and some that she makes up as she goes (Like one night she sang a made up song all about how she loved her Daddy!)
That's all I can think of for now. We are so blessed with such a gift from above. She is truly amazing to us and we are enjoying seeing her grow into such a fun and sweet little girl.
Michael on the other hand, got to stay home with SK yesterday since classes were cancelled and the mall was closed, so he didn't have work either. He doesn't have class again today and not sure yet about work for him.
If this would have come through Alabama, everyone would stay home, no questions asked.
The people did prepare here for the worse. Grocery stores had many empty shelves.
I am ready for summer. Heck, I will even take Spring. Just give me a sunny day with no snow on the ground. That would be nice. I am ready to get out and feel the sunshine on my skin.
Ok, I need to stop complaining I know. I am just still adjusting to this full time work and having to be somewhere every week day. I like to be home and taking care of my family at my own house. But I am so thankful for this job. I am thankful that it is in someone elses home that I feel comfortable in and can still have SK with me and Michael can even come over in between classes (when they don't call a snow day and tell them to stay home...) and eat lunch with us and hang out. I am thankful. It's just different. I just have to get used to it.
So we are thankful that we didn't get the blizzard that was predicted and that I dont have to get out today. The snow is pretty, well, it is more like sleet/snow/ice layered up, but I am just about done with snow.
Changing the subject. SK was going to bed last night and I was laying with her. She got to talking about heaven and how Mommy and daddy and SK are all going to heaven and how great it was going to be. Precious. Then she asked if she could have her birthday there. That would be a lovely place for a birthday party. I do long for heaven. I long for the day that we can all be there together worshipping our Savior. Perfection (for those who believe). In heaven, I imagine the roads won't be dangerously icey. And we won't have to go to work. And we won't have pain and suffering. And there won't be the ugly sin that I constantly fight and struggle with. And Christ will be there along with some other pretty cool people. Like our baby. Oh, how I long for heaven.