So I have thought about this post many times in my head this week. Not really sure how or what to say, but I want to share. My desire is to be open and real on this blog for many reasons. I want to reflect Christ. I want others to know that God is the answer. He is the answer to pain, to joy, to laughter, to heartache, ect, ect. I fail so much in my belief. While I want to believe that God knows best and is sovereign, and wants to give me the desires of my heart, I don't sometimes. If I am being completely honest, I have questioned God on so many things in our life lately. I have been through so many emotions, but I can say this. I can say that I long to take it all to Christ. I want to be real with Christ in my emotions. He already knows what is in my heart. There is no hiding it. I do desire to trust Him and serve Him. I think my biggest struggle is in control. I want to control things in my life. I want to understand the Lord's timing. I need to stop focusing on myself, and focus on Christ.
Here's the truth. Infertility is hard. It stinks. I have never been through anything harder in my life, other than losing a child in the womb. I struggle with God over why He gave us the desire to have more children to love and train up to be a part of the Kingdom, when we can't get pregnant. When we decided to start trying before SK, it happened immediately. Smooth (for the most part) pregnancy and all. Then we decide to try again near Sk's 1st bday, and boom, we get pregnant again immediately, which then was followed by the miscarriage only weeks later. Now here we sit, unable to conceive. I want to trust the Lord. I know His ways are best and all, but it is just hard to see in the midst of life right now.
I have learned so much from this time we have faced. I wish I could have learned it without going through this, but the Lord is using this to teach me that HE is the one in control, not me. He loves me and wants to bless us, but it will be in His ways, not mine.
I do believe that He will give us more children. It just might not be how I had pictured and planned it out in my head.
Now I struggle with do I hit the "publish post" button. I feel like we aren't alone in this struggle of infertility. I know of others that have so been there, even longer than we have. I sometimes feel so selfish to be saddened about this, when there are others out there that can't even have 1. I am so thankful for SK, and the Lord has greatly used this time to help me see how I should be more thankful. What a gift children are. What an incredible gift from the Lord. They aren't ours, we just get to have a moment with them, when you look at the big picture of eternity.
My heart aches for others who face this same struggle. Even more, my heart aches for those who face this struggle and don't know the Lord and have Him to lean on through it.
If you have children, give them an extra hug today. I know so many days I struggle with Sk over fits of power struggle and her wanting to control her world and me knowing what is best for her, I don't give her enough kisses or hugs. Isn't it amazing how the Lord uses our children to reveal to us the sin in our own hearts. As we teach and attempt to point Sk to her need for Christ, I am reminded that I need Christ every day just as much if not more than she. I need forgiveness as much as her. I need to run to my Daddy and ask forgiveness and crawl in His lap and let me love on me. He wants to, He just waits for me to come.
I can share that through this time in our life, the Lord seems to be using it to mold our hearts for His purposes. He is shaping our hearts in beautiful ways that are exciting and scary all at the same time. We have begun to feel strongly towards adoption. I will begin this with, this is not a plan b for us AT ALL. We would love to adopt for many reasons, first because we feel that is our call from Scripture. We as Christians are all called to care for ophans and widows. Do we do that well? Do we do it at all? No. We don't. I know that doesn't mean that we should all go out and adopt a child. We are all called in different ways to care for orphans and widows. Michael and I just feel that the Lord has put on our heart to care for an orphan by bringing them into our family and calling them our own. Sound familiar? Kinda like we are adopted by Christ. What a beautiful picture. There are so many things I could talk about that excite us about this. I could go on and on with stories of how adoption things have popped up randomly around us in the last few months. This is a poor analogy, but I told Michael I feel like I have been in a food fight some days with the amount of adoption things that have popped in front of our faces.
Who knows what this will become. Christ. We don't know how things will turn out, we just want to trust the Lord and wait patiently (as hard as it might be) to see how He will work in our lives. We just want to be vessels that He uses however He sees fit. Whether that be with us getting pregnant, adopting, or neither, or both :)
Do I share all of this? It's my heart right now. It is what my mind seems to constantly be on so many days. If anything, Lord--Let this be a way for prayers to be rung from your children for the many orphans that need you. I pray that the Lord uses this silly, jacked-up, doesn't always make sense of a blog, for His purposes, not mine.