Thursday, December 29, 2011

Honestly Me again.  the unpregnant me.  You know what I am really tired of?  Let's make a list, shall we.

1.  You know when you call your obgyn to talk to the nurse (which I have had to do multiple times lately doing this whole clomid thing and having to go in for labs and such...).  They ALWAYS ask when you call, "Are you pregnant?"  You know how many times I have had to answer that dumb question in the last 3 years.  It really stinks. 

2.  When people ask, "Is she (refering to SK) your only one? "  Been asked that a few times lately.  Hate that question.

3.  Seeing facebook updates with people announcing their pregnancy.  And refering to being so "blessed" to be adding to their family. Now, if you are reading this and are one of those people, don't be mad at me.  It's just hard to see time after time people so giddy excited about being pregnant and talking all about it on facebook.  I should stop looking on there. 

I am pretty poopy about this whole infertility thing right now.  I don't really want to even think about it anymore.  I don't want to hear it will be alright....or just to keep trusting the Lord....or anything really encouraging right now.  I just want to sulk I guess.  I am kinda feeling hopeless about the whole thing.  Why am I even continuing with the whole clomid thing when I really am loosing hope of it working.  I have found myself pretty sarcastic feeling about the whole thing to be honest.  My attitude really stinks and I could use some prayers, not that I don't ask for them all the time anyways. 
I know the truth.  I know the Lord loves me and has a plan.  I know what the scriptures say.  I just don't get it.  I don't get why.  I don't get any of it.  I want to be the one that gets to finally FINALLY announce that we are pregnant.  But I can't.  Each month comes and goes and I get hopes up many of those months just to be crushed.

God is good.  ALL the time God is good.  I want to believe that.  I do.  Some days I really do, but today I am struggling to. 
I want SK to have siblings.  I want....ugh.  I don't even want to go down this road.  I am pretty done.  At what point do I or I guess it would be more accurate to say can I give it all to the Lord.  I try.  I want to. 


  1. Thank you for your honesty and raw realness.
    I will be praying for you.

  2. I'm so sorry. And I love you. And I wish I lived next door and could come sit and let you yell at me and cry. This sucks.

  3. It has just turned tl 2012 and I want to be confidant and believe for u but as i read this tears are coming and i am fighting anger for u. I ask God why me blessed with 3, even twins. So undeservimg and comparatively speaking such an ungodly marriage I had. Then I look at u and Michael and want to bang onthe floor as I kneel and pray for u, begging. Life has thrown me a lot of curves but God has been faithful, even now. Strength he has given me in new ways with each passing year. So yeah like Chrissy, I offer myself to lash out at, scream, holler, or whatever.... but on the otherside God will be waiting and dog gone it those Arms are always open.
    Love you,wishing I could bear the heartache.