Friday, May 13, 2011

Rollercoaster ride...

These last 2 weeks have been quite a rollercoaster for me. I have good days emotionally and bad days. I am tired of this ride and feel like it is about time to get off, but don't know how. There are multiple reasons for my crazy emotions, but most stem from this whole "trying" thing. I don't really even like that term. I am not in control of it...
I hear so many times that when people "stop" trying, they get pregnant. How do you stop trying? What does "trying" mean? We are trying to just trust the Lord and his timing, but man, that is hard. I have struggled lately so much with understanding why..why us? why give us this strong desire for more children? ugh.
I don't want it to consume my thoughts. I wish I could turn these strong desires into desires to know Christ more and have more of the mind of Christ. I wish that each time the thought of pregnancy and more children came to mind, that instead I could pray for others and not focus on myself.
Now I don't stay in this mindset daily. I truly don't. There are good days. Days that I am so content and feel so blessed. I know that I have been blessed with an amazing husband and an awesome daughter, when there are others that I know who have yet to receive either of those things. If you happen to read this blog and are one of those, I pray that the Lord gives you all that you need and that we all learn that Christ is enough. While it is really hard to believe sometimes and I struggle with my unbelief daily, He is good. He cares and knows our heart.
I am weary. I need to trust Christ. My hope is (or more like needs to be) in Christ, not in our ability to have more children. I want to put it all at the cross and leave it there, but I keep going back and picking up this mess and carrying it myself. I want to figure it all out, and therefore tell Christ he isn't enough and can't handle this.
I am an ugly, gross sinner.
Here's my question of the week--
Will I get to be pregnant in heaven?
Will I care about all of that in heaven?
Either way, bring it on. I am so ready for Heaven. I long for my real home.

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