Saturday, March 19, 2011

A change of heart...

I know I have shared on here of our hearts being drawn to adoption. I wanted to share how the Lord has changed my heart with all of this. Don't misread that. I have not changed my heart in wanting it, but my heart has changed in how I look at it. When adoption first came up between Michael and I, I was excited. I felt like the Lord was beginning a great work and we truly came to feel like the Lord was going to bless us with more children and create such a beautiful family. Honestly though, in the beginning, I was excited to look more into adoption, but wanted see badly to get pregnant. I wanted adoption to be put on the backburner due to pregnancy. For months I thought this way. I would say in my head, "if we are pregnant this month, then we will wait to do the adoption thing till after this baby is a little older..." I wanted adoption to be a part of our future, but not to replace getting pregnant and having another biological child. I don't think, at least at this stage, I would have been happy and content to not have any more biological children and just have more via adoption. I'm being honest right? Well, my heart I feel has changed. Thanks be to the Lord, not me for that. Do I still want to get pregnant? YES, of course I do. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But, I feel like my heart has changed in that if the Lord's plans for our lives is to bless us with more children via adoption and no more biological, then that is ok. I couldn't have said that a couple of months ago. It really is ok. I can now excitedly (is that a word?) say that if we were to have SK have brothers and/or sisters from across the world playing together and growing up together, I think that would be a beautiful thing. I still would love to get pregnant, but am content with however the Lord decides to grow our family. This whole getting pregnant thing is hard still though. I try not to think about it and let the Lord be in charge (not like there is any other way, right?), but man that is hard. It's hard not to wish each month that this will be the month it will happen. And, of course, I hear people get pregnant when they decide to "stop trying" and relax, but how do you do that? ugh.
Does that counter what I said earlier? Maybe. I go back and forth in my head I think. I am just ready to see how the Lord will work. I am not a very patient person I guess. It makes sense in my head though. I will be happy if the Lord blesses us with more children either way. Truly I am. And that is how my heart has changed. That wasn't the case a couple of months ago.
I heard someone say yesterday, "we want lots of kids..." And the Lord might bless them in that way. But, I remember having conversations with Michael years ago before having SK that I wanted 4 or maybe even more. I loved the idea of having lots of children running around and having them close together too. I'm not in charge though. I wanted to say, "good luck with that" or "We did too.." or "too bad you can't make that decision.." but I think I might have scared her a bit. Not necessarily something to say the first time you are meeting someone. At least I am honest on here right? I guess the worst that will happen on here is you may stop reading or think to yourself that girl has lost her mind or is crazy. Think that. It's true.
Well, SK is still singing away in her room, not napping. You would think after a rough night due to stuffy noses and swim lesson today, she would be ready to get a good nap in. Oh well. Maybe it will be a movie kind of afternoon till daddy gets home and takes us out for a date night with his girls :)


  1. You have certainly NOT lost your mind and are NOT crazy :-) I admire your honesty and it is great to see how the Lord is working in you. I'm excited to see how he grows your family. Praying for you friend!

  2. I love reading your honesty and thoughts. God has been moving in my heart about adoption as well. It is such a beautiful picture of the gospel. Have you read "Adopted for Life"? I am reading it now and loving it.

  3. I'm so glad you can be honest on your blog. I get so nervous to share things, because I'm a coward and need other's approval at the risk of my own honesty! Anyways, I love you, my dear friend, and I am praying for you along in this journey. I am not a patient person either, and it's so hard to figure out where the obedient path lies sometimes. I'm reading through that book Laura Morgan recommended, "The Praying Life," by Paul Miller, and it is so so so good. It talks some about how we have to trust God in our story, and that as we look back, we start seeing how He is weaving it. I'm sure this will be a big part in your family's story. :)