Doctor day

Today, I go in to the doctor for my check up.  I am now a little over 15 weeks.  Crazy.  I really questioned whether we would make it this far.  I struggled to trust God, and still do to be honest.  I don't want to live in fear, but in hope.  It is hard though.  It is still hard not to get anxious before I go in today.  I am ready to hear our little one's heartbeating again. 

When I start feeling fear creeping in, I long more and more for Heaven.  I don't like my sin.  I don't like the pain I have faced and many others have faced in this fallen world.  Just last week, I saw death with the family I nanny for.  The mom's best friend killed herself and her 3 children.  Death sucks.  We all deal with sin.  Without the hope of Christ, we could all easily find ourself in this same position.  God is sovereign and completely in control I know.  One day, we won't have to face death.  We won't have to be separated from our friends and children and family.  Come, Lord Jesus, come.

Not sure where I am going with this really.  Just dealing with my anxieties this morning, not very well I guess. 

Some days I wish I could go back to my nieveness about death and loss.  I remember being pregnant with Sarah Kate and fear of loosing her never crossed my mind.  After loosing our second child through miscarriage, that all changed.  I felt alone at that time.  I didn't know anyone who had gone through this.  It didn't seem to be a thing people talked about.  I kinda felt like I should brush it off and still be able to praise the Lord and be glad.  After years of struggling to get pregnant, I have learned a lot.  A LOT.  God used this time to teach me so much.  I now know that it was okay for me to be upset and not okay with the loss.  It sucked and was jacked up that we had to go through it.  While I might not like it, God used it and hopefully will continue to use it for His own glory.  I long for our life's story to be a testimony to God's faithfullness.  He didn't just step out of the picture while we faced those trials.  He was there and continues to be. 

I know the truth.  I know that during these times, I need to cling tighter to Christ and His promises.
Psalm 34 says:

I will extol the Lord at all times;

his praise will always be on my lips.

My souls will boast in the Lord;

let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

Glorify the Lord with me;

let us exalt his name together.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me;

He delivered me from all my fears.

Alright....enough rambling this morning.  Gotta find something fun to do this morning with the girls to distract me from my crazy fears.

Maybe a painting project is in order this morning :)