5 years...

5 years ago (on Sat.) I started spotting.  A couple weeks prior, I had taken a pregnancy test and was elated to find out we were pregnant with #2.  We lost our baby in miscarriage the day before Mother's Day.  I honestly can't remember what the actual day (# wise) was, but it was the day before Mother's Day.  I remember being at the ballet recital (where I was teaching) and going to the bathroom.  Michael was in the audience and I called him and met him outside.  I told 1 of the other teachers I was spotting and needed to leave (I was a mess of tears).  I called the on call doctor and was told to just go home and lay down.  If I was miscarrying, there was nothing that could be done and I was to come in for an ultrasound on Monday.  I remember staying home from church that Sunday and sobbing off and on all day.  At one point during the day our neighbors came over (not knowing what was going on), and their daughter had just found out from her step-mom that I was pregnant and she told me congrats and she was excited that there was another baby in my tummy.  I closed the door and fell on the floor crying.  It was painful.  Miscarriage is painful.  It is now 5 years later and Mother's Day weekend is still hard for me.
To be honest (and I don't remember if I have blogged about this before or not...), I don't like Mother's Day.  It can be such a sad day for so many women.  Women who long to get pregnant and can't...women who have lost children...women who might not get to see their children on Mother's Day.  I just don't really like it.
But I will say, I choose to pray on this day.   Not just celebrate the mom's who have children and deserve celebrating for sure.  But pray for those who long to be mom's.  Pray for those who will be grieving this weekend.
It is hard to believe we would have a 4.5 year old had the Lord not called that baby to his (or her) eternal home.  I miss him (her).  I never got to hold that baby, but my arms still ache at times to.
So can I encourage you to pray for someone you know (cause I know we all know someone in this position) that might not be able to truly celebrate this weekend.  Pray for those who long to have children and can't.  Pray for those who have lost.  As the body of Christ, we are to encourage and love one another.
If you have lost a child, know I will be praying for you this weekend.  If you are struggling with infertility, I am praying for you.  If I know names, I will pray specifically by name for you.
Lord Jesus, come quickly.  This fallen, broken world is hard and painful.  But praise the Lord it is just for a short time.

Done...

Today, Michael went to his last class here at Covenant.  He has (I think...) 1 paper left to do and 1 final to take on Friday.  And assuming he passed everything (which I know he did ;)), he will walk across the stage next Friday night and get his diploma!  It is hard to believe that we are at the end of the chapter of this stage of the journey the Lord is sending us on.  There are so many emotions going on in our house it is insane.  Pictures have been taken off the walls....we have already sold a few pieces of furniture and hope to sell lots more on Sat. when we have our "sale".
I is exciting to be one step closer to getting to where the Lord has put on our hearts to be, but also hard to step out in faith.  We are selling so many of our things, moving overseas, and trusting the Lord to provide.  I know he will.  All I need to do is look back and remember how much he has provided for us and met our every need the last 3.5 years here.
It is hard as the woman of the household to have no nest.  I haven't bought pretty things for our home in years really.  I am ready to set up house in England and settle in to life there.  I am ready to make a new home for my family.  I am ready to meet neighbors....have people over for dinner....garden...craft...so many things I have put on the back burner the last few years.
It is going to be hard to leave here.  SK has so many precious friends here that she literally plays with daily.  I have friends here that I can invite over or crash their house just to chat with another adult while our kids play.  If I need sugar, I just walk over to my neighbors to borrow some.  If I am having a hard day, I can find a friend pretty quick that can encourage me and/or pray for me on the spot.  What a sweet special time it has been.
SK can go in anyones home here and I know she is safe.  I know that she will be in a Christian home where I don't have to worry.
I am gonna miss it here.  Seminary has been some of the hardest testing times for me, but also some of the most precious times of my life.
I have been so crazy busy sorting our home into keep and sell piles that I haven't taken much time to process what is happening.  The other night, as I folded laundry, I bawled.  Cried like a baby.  Then I got ok.  It is hard to step out in faith, but wow...the Lord is using this process to grow my faith in such incredible ways and I pray he gives me the strength to have the faith needed to go through this journey to getting to England.
And I pray he uses our story and our faith to touch others and draw others to himself.  I pray the Lord will use me and my family mightily for his Kingdom.

Alright...off to sort something...Hey--and if you haven't heard, I am having a "sale" from 8-12 at my APT. on Sat., May 10th (THIS SAT!)  Come by if you want to help us clean out and get one step closer to getting to the field :)

And I will leave you of a pic I took as Michael came in from his last class today...so bittersweet.  I am so so so proud of my husband.  What an amazing guy he is and I am pumped to do life with him and see how the Lord will use him as we get to England.

Whirlwind Weekend

So this last weekend we made a quick trip to Alabama for our CPC's missions conference and my brother's wedding.  We are pooped from the busyness, but had so much fun.  We left for the airport at 4:45 a.m. and landed in B'ham around lunchtime.  We got to spend time with family and with our church family.  It is hard to believe the next time we are in AL we will be moving back.  SO much to happen before then...
I won't go into my whining now about all that has to happen in the next few weeks.  I will say though that Michael will take his last final next Friday, so in 9 days (assuming he passes ;)) he will be done with seminary!!!!!  Crazy.

I will leave you with pictures for now....

Yard Sale for Missions by SK

So today was a crazy busy day.  SK decided last week that she wanted to do something to raise money for some missionaries in India who have a children's home there.  Our church here in STL had encouraged the kids to do chores or find ways to make money to be collected next week at the missions conference.  SK decided she would find things to sell around her room and such and set up a little yard sale in front of our apt. building.  She helped price everything (with my guidance) and helped make lemonade too for the sale.  She was so so so excited about it and was telling everyone about what the $ was going towards.  Blessed my heart to see her excited to raise money for such a needed ministry.  After 3 hours, the $ was counted and she made almost $50!  That is just from selling lemonade and toys and books and such.  She even ran out of cups for the lemonade!  It was a busy afternoon helping her with that, but so much fun too.  I pray she always has a heart to do for others.  She has been praying nightly the last 2-3 weeks for the Tombings and their children's home in India and also nightly for the Smart family.  Love seeing her heart...it is precious.

We are flying out bright and early (meaning our flight is at 6:20, so will be leaving our house before 5 a.m.) to head to Alabama for the weekend.  So excited to see everyone down there for a little visit!  I haven't packed 1 thing yet...not even thought about it yet, which is not like me at all.  Guess that is what I will be doing first thing in the morning.  For tonight though...I plan to get to bed early :)

Kiddo Update

I think it's been a while since I have updated on the kiddos, so I thought I would do a little of that today.

Evie is getting so big these days and doing so much!  She climbs up on everything.  She will get up on the couch, on the chairs, then onto the table...She is a mess.  She loves loves loves to color.  Everyday she will go color at the little table we have for the girls.  She doesn't mind if she doesn't have paper either...the table works for her just as well :)  ha.
She loves movies and has learned lots of signs from watching Signing time DVD's we get at the library.  She is also starting to say more and more words.  She can say mama, dada, sissy, NO, yeah, and tries to say other words that just don't come out too clear yet.  She has a cute way of saying banana, where she just sticks out her tongue and makes this funny sound.  And the girl loves her some bananas.  Every time I take her to the store, I know if I go in the produce section (which I do every time) she will scream for a banana till she gets one.  She would eat 2 a day or more if I let her.  She still loves dip.  She will dip just about anything in any kind of dip I give her.
She loves her paci still, but today she went down for nap without it, so maybe we are on our way to being done with it. I don't think we're done with it though...since I just had to go give it to her after she woke too early from her nap...
She loves her sister.  She loves to play with her and cuddle with her.  It is precious to watch.  She will go first thing in the morning into SK's room and say "Sissy!"  SK likes it too :)
She is starting to pitch more fits these days.  She will yell "NO" at us and cross her arms and make this face.  How did she learn this so early???  Then she will also hide something behind her back if she got something she wasn't supposed to and you call her out on it, like cell phones.  Little booger ;)
She has started watching me put on makeup (on a day that I actually do that...) and wants my makeup brush and will brush it on her face copying me.  And she loves to get her sister's toothbrush too.  I think that helps with her teething.  She has now got 5 teeth in the front and 2 molars that aren't all the way in yet.
She can answer "yeah" and "no" to any question you ask.  I ask her if she is ready to go get in her bed for nap or bedtime and she runs from me and says, "No!"
She loves hair bows.  She will find one and ask for it to be put in her hair.  And if it falls out, she will scream for you to put it back in.
She still loves shoes.  She will put them on all day long and loves to get her sister's shoes or mine to walk around in too.
At the doctor a couple weeks ago, she weighed in at 21.5 lbs., which put her in the 35%, which is the highest either of our girls have ever been in the weight category.

Let's see....now SK.

She is such a social butterfly.  I am wondering how she is going to do when we move.  She loves living in this community where everyday she can find friends in a matter of minutes to play with.  She literally plays with friends every day, some days for hours on end.  As I type this, she has a friend over and in a couple hours we will head outside where she will play with more friends till dinner time.  I am praying for her to quickly make friends after our move to AL, but also that the transition goes well as we also prepare to move to England and she can quickly make friends there.  It is going to be quite a transition for her, but I hear kids are pretty resilient :)
She has just about finished her phonics program I was using and can pretty much read anything now.  Not speed reading, but she can do pretty good!  And she finished her math workbook a couple weeks ago.
She loves ballet and is getting ready for her recital in a couple weeks.  She did tell me the other day that she missed gymnastics, so we will have to try to get her back in it maybe after we get over to England.
All the girls on campus are really into Loom bracelet making things.  SK will meet up with her friends outside (they actually named a hill on campus "Looming Hill") and they will loom for hours.


I can't think of what else to add.  We are gearing up for a busy last month here.  We fly out next week to go to B'ham for the weekend!  We will be at our home church's missions conference and also be able to go to my brother's wedding :)  Then when we get back, I am planning to crank out the packing and selling and preps for moving.  Graduation is less than a month away!  Crazy.  Sad, but exciting :)

ALright...I wish I could leave you with a couple pics, but I haven't taken any lately.  I need to take more pics, but such is the life right now :)  Maybe when we go outside later today I will make it a point to...we'll see.

Hope and Tears

It has been an incredibly hard week.  4 days ago, Elizabeth Joy, daughter of some dear friends of ours here at Covenant went to be with the Lord.  I am heartbroken for Nate and Leigh Ann.  My arms ache for her arms that long to have her baby back in them.  Yesterday, they had a funeral service in the chapel on campus, and today they will take sweet Ella and bury her body.  Death is wrong.  We aren't supposed to have to deal with this kind of grief.  We weren't created for this.  And while it feels unbearable at times, what an incredible hope we do have that Jesus has rescued us from the ultimate death.  We know that one day on Christ's return, we will see sweet Ella again and we will all be together praising our Savior and singing and dancing.  What an incredible day that will be.  At the service yesterday, I was so overwhelmed with so many emotions.  To see Leigh Ann and Nate raising their hands to Heaven praising their Savior was one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.  To see how they are clinging to the cross and to the promises of the gospel was breathtaking.  To hear Nate and Leigh Ann proclaim Christ in such a horrific time was beautiful.  Would I be able to do that?  There was much sobbing, but not sobbing without hope.  I could see how Christ was so present with them and so real to them.  When Leigh Ann spoke, I could see such rawness of how her heart longs for her daughter, but also how her heart longs for her daughter's life to have a kingdom impact.  Her life was not wasted and will not be forgotten.  I pray with them that the Lord will use this for his Kingdom purposes.
To see Nate carry the casket with his baby girl inside was gut wrenching.  What a testimony to the Lord though that he was first of all able to do that.  The Lord is definitely holding them during this time.
I haven't grieved like this in a very long time.  I am feeling myself brought back to the pain of loosing our baby in miscarriage.  I am not trying to say I even understand the pain they are facing right now, but I do know the pain of loosing a baby.  It is a different situation and I couldn't really imagine fully, but my stomach gets the pain in it that I remember from when we had our miscarriage.  It hurts down in my chest.  I ache for them.
I do pray in excitement though of how the Lord will use this little girl in their ministry as they face the coming days and years.  Their story won't be what they thought it would be or would have wanted it to be, but the Lord is writing it and it is going to be beautiful, and already is.  Even looking at their faces and hearing them share yesterday, he is their Savior and they are clinging to him.
Continue to pray for this family.  Today is not going to be easy.  I couldn't imagine what they are really feeling.  Pray that the Lord will use this for his glory.  And as Nate said yesterday, Death is not the last word over Ella.  We serve the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob, He's the God of the living, not the dead.

hi :)

I give up on being a good blogger.  I just can't find the time these days to sit down and blog.  I have ideas run through my head throughout the day of things I could blog about, but when I actually sit, nothing comes to me.  Or taking a nap sounds better than being on the computer.
So what have we been up to lately....

*Evie turned 18 months old yesterday (or 2 days ago, I don't even know today's date...).  She is a fussy pants these last few days and we now know that we can blame it on teething.  The crazy kid has 4 teeth in front (been at 4 teeth now for months and months!), with one more in front coming, then we saw that she has a molar almost in and the one on the other side looks like it is coming too.  Poor baby.  I am not sure what is going on with her teeth...I guess they will just come in how they choose, not in the order that is "typical".

*We are pressing on with the semester.  Busy.  Constantly thinking through getting ready to pack and sell a whole bunch of stuff.  I am having an "estate" sale, if you can call it that.  We will sell most of our things here in STL before moving back to Alabama in May (where we will finish out support raising).  We are moving to a fully furnished house in AL so there is no need for us to bring down things that aren't going with us to England except for things that are going to family and such.  It is crazy to start thinking of selling all of our stuff.  Kinda messes with my emotions a bit.  I get excited that we are getting closer to getting where the Lord has called us.   But it is crazy that we are doing this too.

What else....

Let me get honest for a bit.

I am tired.  I am excited.  I am scared.  I am trusting the Lord.   I am questioning the Lord.  I am wanting to be used by the Lord.  I am wanting to be used by the Lord.

Such a crazy mix of emotions, that might not make sense to anyone reading this blog.  There is just so much going on in our lives right now and so much ahead in the coming months.  Oh, while I am being honest, let's throw on top of all this the fact that infertility sucks.

It sucks to take a pregnancy test and it be negative.  I struggle to trust the Lord with his timing and the way that he is writing my story.  I want to take the pen away from him as he writes my story and erase some things and change it to the way I see it going best.  But that wouldn't be good would it?  I want to trust that this is the best story for me.  That He has a plan far greater than I can understand right now.

After weaning Evie, I hoped we wouldn't face the same struggles as before.  I even thought right after weaning her that I was pregnant that first month.  I wasn't.  It is hard for me not to work up excitement in my mind.  I do know that the Lord has good and perfect plans for our family.  I want to trust him and not be anxious or worried.

Now don't get me wrong.  I am so so so thankful for the 2 little girls that we have been blessed with.  And if we aren't to have any more children, then that is ok.  The Lord will have to change my heart if that is the case.  My heart is for more children and the Lord knows the desire of my heart (and Michael's).

Are we crazy for wanting more children even in the midst of such a transition?

All I can do is pray.  Pray for the Lord to make my heart more like Jesus.  To love each day and use it for his glory.  I want to trust that this story of mine is amazing and beautiful...broken, but so redemptive.

These 2 little girls have been such sweet cuddle buddies lately.   When we leave both girls with a babysitter or at the Log Cabin for Parent's Morning Out, Evie reaches for her sister to hold her.  They will cuddle up and watch a movie together and it is so cute.  SK is begging for them to be able to start sleeping in the same room.  :)
Thank you Lord for these 2 precious girls.