This is a hard week for me. I try to pretend i am ok, but those who really know me know that i am not a good pretender. I know God is sovereign and His timing IS perfect, but it doesnt make any of this easy. I know that there is a reason for all of this, but still not easy. I sit and think about this time last year...I was so excited to find out I was pregnant (a little nervous too). Sarah Kate was gonnna be a big sis....We announced it, and then the miscarriage happened. man, it hurts...i dont think i have ever cried so hard. Now, looking at it, it still hurts and my heart aches to see my baby that I never got to meet, but I know some day i will see that baby in heaven and he will be perfect and beautiful (We didnt know the sex, but i tend to think it was a boy..) it is comforting to know that this baby never had to see the brokenness of this world, he (or she) is living in a place where there is no brokenness, or sin, or pain, or hurt. I long to be there, that is the home that i long for. I have seen so much lately the fallen world that we live in and how jacked up we really are and how we need Christ so much in our lives. Christ is my strength, even when i feel like falling down and not getting up, He is still there. Sometimes I just want a glimse of what He sees to understand, but I know that i cant, He is God and I am definitely not. I dont understand why we had to suffer a miscarriage, and dont know if i ever will here on this side of heaven, but that isnt what is important. That Christ is glorified through all of it, is what is important. God is good, even in the pain, He really is. He has already given me so much more than i deserve. I look at sk now and am so thankful (most of the time, at least, there are times i should be more) for her. she is such a gift that i or michael did not deserve. She is such a precious gift...So maybe i just needed to ramble for a bit, not sure if i really want anyone to read this, except, maybe i do, maybe i need your prayers. please pray for michael and i this week. Mother's day was a very hard day last year for us...i miss my baby...
Yesterday i found myself looking at other stories of ladies who had had multiple miscarriages and such a hard time getting pregnant and have yet to be able to have children, and my heart breaks. I long for Christ and his return....I long for no more pain and sorrow, and having to say goodbye to a child that we have yet to hold...
i know through this whole thing i have learned to be honest with God about my hurt. for so long i think i tried to say it was ok and act like i could handle it, but i cant, I NEED Christ to handle it for me. David said in Psalm 139,
O Lord, You have searched me and know me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thoughts from afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.