Resting...

I have to say I had a bit of breakdown last night.  I needed it, really.  I have held in my fears and anxieties for the most part for the last couple weeks.  I have been strong, and last night I was tired of it.  I am scared.  I am analyzing everything I do, I eat, and don't do.  I don't want to.  I want to say I am able to just trust the Lord through this and rest in his Sovereign grace, but not so much.  I try to be thankful for each day and take it a day (or moment) at a time, but it is hard. 
Yesterday, I had brie cheese.  And freaked out after the fact.  Crap!  I realized, according to the "books" you aren't supposed to have soft cheeses while pregnant.  So I get on google and research of course.  I know God is sovereign, but I still struggle to rest in that.  God knows the days for this child.  He knows it all, and I have no control over that.
I also had to go in yesterday to the doctor to get some blood work for proving pregnancy (getting on medicaid...) and it upset me a bit too.  I didn't really want to do the bloodwork thing.  I wanted to just wait till I was at 8 weeks.  Now I worry that I will get a phone call today that my levels aren't looking good.  What if I get that call...What if we have to tell SK that she won't ever get to meet her baby brother or sister.  I think about how we would tell her.  How would she take it?  Why am I even going there in my head.  Why can't I just be excited like I was when we found out we were pregnant with her.  Ugh.

So now I wait to hear from the doctor today.  I wait.  I did read from the Valley of Vision this morning and found a bit of comfort from that.  Allow me to share:

O God Most High, Most Glorious,

The thought of thine infinite serenity cheers me,

For I am toiling and moiling, troubled and distressed,

but thou art for ever at perfect peace.

Thy designs cause thee no fear or care of unfulfilment,

they stand fast as the eternal hills.

Thy power knows no bond,

thy goodness no stint.

Thou bringest order out of confusion,

and my defeats are thy victories:

The Lord God omnipotent reigneth.

I come to thee as a sinner with cares and sorrows,

to leave every concern entirely to thee,

every sin calling for Christ's precious blood;

Revive deep spirituality in my heart;

Let me live near to the great Shepherd,

hear his voice, know its tones, follow its calls.

Keep me from deception by causing me to abide in the truth,

from harm by helping me to walk in the power of the Spirit.

Give me intenser faith in the eternal verities,

burning into me by experience the things I know;

Let me never be ashamed of the truth of the gospel,

that I may bear its reproach,

vidicate it,

see Jesus as its essence,

know in it the power of the Spirit.

Lord, help me, for I am often lukewarm and chill;

unbelief mars my confidence,

sin makes me forget thee.

Let the weeds that grow in my soul be cut at their roots;

Grant me to know that I truly live only when I live to thee,

that all else is trifling.

Thy presence alone can make me holy, devout, strong and happy.

Abide in me, gracious God.

(The Valley of Vision, a Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions)



That comforted me this morning as I prayed and rested in the Lord this morning.  I hate my unbelief.  I want to believe.  I really do.  I feel like the only way to get rid of my unbelief is for Jesus to come back.  So with that, I say come Lord Jesus, come.  And until that day, let me find moments that I can rest and trust and believe that the Lord is good and loves me and cares and is in control of this little life. 

Birthday Suprise!

My sweet hubby pulled off a suprise party today along with a friend, whose wife's birthday is today.  They worked hard and I was quite suprised.  It started out by telling Kelsey and I that they wanted to send us to get a manicure (gave us a giftcard to a place they found) and they would take care of the kiddos.  Well, low and behold.  They were working hard while we were away and had a big party planned for us.  When we finally got back (we didn't know we were supposed to be back sooner than we had thought....) we got a big suprise as soon as we walked in the door. 

They planned a whole Fiesta theme and had hats for us birthday girls and mexican food and even made us cakes!

I have a pretty awesome hubby.  Step back, ladies....He's taken :)

I think she looks cuter in the hat, than I did...what do you think :)

On a side note, pregnancy is going well so far.  I am getting more hungry (like had to get up at 6 this morning after sitting wide awake in the bed for an hour hungry...) and a little bit more tired, but its all good.  I kinda want the symptoms to come on so I feel more pregnant and won't worry so much.  Of course I say that now, might take it back when the nausea and stuff actually hits.  We shall see.  I am just ready for the next couple weeks to fly so I can get to the doctor and hear a heartbeat.  It will be awesome to get to that day.  I need it to come quickly.
Other than that I am just trying not to stress to much about everything I do and how it might affect the baby.  Like..."Is my shower too hot for the baby?"  "Is this food ok?"  "Am I lifting too much?"  and many more stuff that is crazy....I am reminding myself almost hourly that God is Sovereign and He is in control of this life, not me. 

Where to start...

Well.  I haven't blogged much lately.  A lot has been going on.  Let's rewind and I will share.  Last week was tough and exciting and scary in many ways (and those emotions are not over yet...)  Last week was the week I would find out if we were pregnant or if I would once again find out I was not.  The day came and went.  Five days later, I finally got the courage to take a pregnancy test.  I was scared.  I can't even count the amount of times I have taken negative pregnancy tests over the last 3 years.  There have been many months where I thought this might be the month, but the test would be negative.  The last test I took in Sept. I vowed that I was done taking negative ones.  So, I waited for 5 days this time.  I finally got up on Sat. morning at 5 am and headed to the bathroom.  I was shaking.  It immediately turned positive.

Let's take a moment and scream in joy, right :)

Ok, continuing.  Poor Michael is not a morning person, esp. given it was a Sat.  I get back in the bed and wake him telling him to go in the bathroom.  He came out and I was crying.  To be honest, it wasn't the kind of joyful type of crying in some ways.  More like scared out of my mind crying.  He hugs me and says, "Not the reaction I was thinking would happen".  I think he had to do a double look at the test to make sure it was positive just from my reaction.  He knew I was scared.  He prayed for me right then.  It was so so encouraging and I felt peace about it then.  I was and am excited, don't get me wrong. 

Here's the thing though.  I have been done the road of loosing a child in my womb before.  I know what it feels like.  I know the pain.  I am scared.  I guess to be clear I am going in waves of excitement and thinking of the future and then other waves of what ifs.  

Right now, I am thankful for today.  I am thankful that the Lord has chosen to bless us with another child.  I am thankful for everyday we get.  God is sovereign and He is in control.  I am not. 
Praise the Lord, from whom all blessings flow.  We can definitely say this is God's doing and we are thankful to him.  I don't understand completely why some people (including us) have a hard time getting pregnant, but He loves us and cares and knows the desires of our hearts.

I am kind of afraid to even push the post button. What if something does happen?  I remember when I miscarried before, I removed all the comments on facebook, not being able to bear the pain.  To God be the glory either way.  I pray that I can trust him and rest in him right now. 

So, there is our weekend. Or at least our Sat. morning.  The rest of that day was spent having SK call family and friends and tell them that "Momma has a baby in her belly!"
I had questions when we told people whether we would wait to announce it till after we go to the doctor.  Well, no, we aren't.  We have had quite the journey to get here and need prayers.  Plus, if you have read my blog before, you can pretty well guess I am pretty open, not so much a closed book.  I have to share.  It helps me get excited to see others excited for us.  I want to share so that people know how to pray for us.
With that said, thank you for your prayers.  I need and appreciate them.

Book List

I have added so many books "I want to read" the last few weeks.  Currently I am reading "Emotionally, Healthy Spirituality" by Peter Scazerro which was a rec from my dear hubby.  I have told him that he can give me one book per semester and I will read it.  He tells me all about so many books he is reading and I definitely can't keep up with all the books that he says are good.  I also have books I have heard about from friends that I really want to read. 
So here is my book list for the coming months...We shall see if I get through them all!
--The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller
--One Thousand Gifts by AnnVoskamp
--Real Love for Real Life by Andi Ashworth
--Hope by Nancy Guthrie
and now today I added
--Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman
I read the first chapter of this book online and loved it.  Here is a quote from it:

  I want to let go, rest, and believe, so that he can hold, refresh,
and redeem. But what if I do and he doesn’t? To read between
the lines of faith is to see Jesus. But reading between the lines
takes work and invisible trust and the disregard of feeling.

Can't wait to get on with these books.  It's a good time of year to get to reading.  There's something wonderful about getting under a blanket on the couch with a cup of Chai (Trader Joe's preferably) and a good book.

What books are you reading?  Any more I should add to my list?

And on a quick side note, I must say a word about my hubby.  He rocked it last night speaking at Midweek.  He was awesome and I was very blessed to hear him speak on Praise.  Ok, just had to say that.  He is pretty awesome though :)



Snow Day round 2

We woke up this morning to more snow.  Woohoo.  Not sure if I have told you before, but I am more of the type that like to see the snow from inside my home and not some much the type that like to get out and play in it.  I will, but I would rather stay inside with my hot chocolate.  My daughter on the other hand is like her daddy.  She begs from the second that she sees the snow to go outside and play in it.  She has begged for 2 hours now, so Mommy finally bundled her up and sent her out.  I on the other hand am inside watching from the window :)  She is so cute playing in it.  As I type, she is outside laying in the snow making a snow angel.  Snow is fun, but it is work too.  All the clothes and mess.  But, today I will enjoy watching her and let her have fun.  Even if that means mess.  I need to do that more often.  Just looking at her have fun is awesome and I want to enjoy that.  Anyways.  Hope everyone else is enjoying their day.

Just one more pic, this is Sk the day after we got back from Chicago.  She took a 3 hour nap in her bed, then came to the couch to snuggle and ended up sleeping another hour.  Guess we wore her out, huh?:)

Chicago Trip

This weekend we were able to take a quick trip to Chicago.  It was so nice.  So very nice.  We were able to relax and enjoy taking in a new city together as a family.  This was our first trip with SK just us, so it was time.  This was a trip of many firsts:
First time riding the train
First time for any of us to go to Chicago
First time staying in a hotel with SK
First time to take SK to the aquarium
and I am sure there was more...

We were able to get some inexpensive tickets to ride the train into Chicago.  SK did pretty good on the train considering it was about 5 or so hours.  She resorted to making funny faces by the end of the ride to entertain herself :)

After getting into town on Friday, we headed out to check out the city.  We explored around Navy Pier and Michigan Avenue.  That night we went to Giordano's for Chicago style pizza.  It was so good. 

We went to watch the iceskaters on our way back to the hotel.  There were so many people skating it was crazy.  If you haven't ever been to Chicago, there is this outdoor skaking rink that is free (except for shoe rental...) in the middle of the city.  It was fun to watch :)

We crashed in the hotel after dinner to rest up for the next day.
Saturday we did more exploring and ate at a fun little place called Portillo's for lunch.

 
Sunday, we got up and checked out of our hotel and headed to the Shedd Aquarium.  SK was so excited.  I think she decided the dolphins were her favorite along with all of the purple fishies :)
After making our way through the whole aquarium, we told SK she could pick out 1 animal to get to take home.  She looked andlooked and finally decided on the pink penguin.  It quickly became a good friend of hers.  She named it Rosey. 

The train ride back was a bit tiring.  I had hoped SK would lay in my lap and fall asleep, but alas it didn't happen.  We arrived back in St. Louis around 10:30 and she was still going strong. 
All in all, it was a really nice break for us to get away and have some family time.  We needed it.
We are back to the grind today.  MIchael has his Jan term class this week, which means he is gone all day every day.  Well, I think I am off to eat lunch (zucchini pizza!!).  Happy Monday everyone!

Christmas Eve and following days

I am gonna catch up someday on this blog.  Maybe...Anywho.  We were in St. Louis for actual Christmas day, so we found some ways to have fun together celebrating the birth of our Savior.  We started out Christmas Eve up in St. Charles where they were having all kinds of Christmas story characters walking along the streets and talking to the children.  Characters like Tiny Tim and Father Christmas.  There were lots of characters dressed up and there were carolers too.  There was one group of carolers that were roasting chestnuts.  It was a fun morning.  We piddled around there and watched the parade then headed home. 

That night we got invited to the family's house that I nanny for.  We enjoyed hanging out with them and eating some yummy Chili mac. 
Christmas morning started off with Michael and I waiting for SK to finally wake up and open presents.  She was so excited she got a new doll stroller.  It was pretty cute.  We opened presents then enjoyed our traditional breakfast casserole and OJ.  We headed to church then all came home and napped.  We ended the night with a steak dinner :)  We decided since it would just be us we would do a little different Christmas dinner.  We had steaks and potatoes and it was yummy.  We made cupcakes and sang Happy Birthday, Jesus.  SK loves helping with the baking :)  esp. taking care of the clean up of the spoons and whisks.

Two days after Christmas, we got our first real snow.  It wasn't much, maybe 2 inches that melted by the afternoon time.  SK quickly got all dressed in her snow gear as soon as she saw the snow.  She and Michael had a fun time playing while I stayed inside and watched from the window with Molly (my nanny baby).

That might catch us up on the blog.  Woohoo!  I hope to share pictures soon of some projects I have been working on.  It has been nice to have my hubby around more since he has a break from school.  He has been very sweet to help out with some projects.  Next week he is off to class again.  I guess I better enjoy it while it lasts!