Friday, September 19, 2014

Let's get real again....

So looking back on my blog, I have shared mostly the fun stuff we have been up to since our move from STL.  To be real, life hasn't been completely just full of fun and laughter.  2 nights ago, I had a little break down and a good cry was overdue.

Life since leaving St. Louis.  hmm...

Now let me preface this that we love being in AL for many reasons.  Our families are closer.  We love our home church.  Shoot....we lived this summer (at least while we were in town) with a pool in our backyard.

But, it has been hard if I want to be honest.

We have changed from the last time we lived here.  We aren't on the same track of life we were on 4 or 5 years ago before we moved.  We have gone through 3.5 years of hard, challenging, beautiful and fun, and all sorts of adjectives that could describe our time at Covenant Seminary.  Unless you have been there, you can't truly grasp what life was like for us there.  It's kinda just like if you haven't lost a child before, you can't truly know the pain.  If you haven't had the experience of the birth of a child, you can't truly know the excitement and joy.  It takes being there yourself to truly grasp it.

Life was different in St. Louis than it is here.  And that is just how it is.  We lived in a unique community where everyone around us were pretty much all on the same boat.  We lived life together and struggled together, and cried together, and rejoiced together.  We were around each other every single day pretty much.

So now living back in AL, the best word Michael and I have found to describe how we feel at times, is lonely.  We feel lonely.  There I said it.  This is not a stab at anyone here in AL.  We do have friends and family here.  We are so thankful for that.  Don't take this the wrong way.  But we are on a unique path here that not many can relate to.  Where we have been and where we are going can't truly be understood by many unless they have been there themselves.

Full time support raising can be exciting and fun.  It can also be discouraging and hard.  What I have learned most is that this time is where the Lord is refining me more.  He is showing me that HE is going to be our true comfort and strength.  We have to lean on him to get us through this and HE will be the one to raise up our whole support team in his perfect timing.  Why do I feel like he keeps wanting to teach me patience and how to "wait on the Lord".  Why do I keep failing at that?  Why do I have to be reminding daily that he is close to us and cares and hasn't forgotten us.  He knows our hearts.  He wants to grow us more into his likeness and it isn't a pretty process.

So why do I share all of this on here?  I guess mainly to say we need your prayers.  We aren't anything special.  While we do have a unique calling that is different than many of our friends, we aren't any different.  We struggle with our own sin.  We struggle with our belief.  We need encouragement from the body of Christ when we feel like giving up and crying.  We need each other and that is how Christ intends for his church to act.  We are to love one another and lift each other other when 1 is struggling.

I am struggling.  We are supposed to be leaving for England in 4.5 months and a lot has to happen in that time in order for that to happen.  We need Jesus.   We need to trust him and his timing.  I need to take moments out of our chaos each day and rest in him and fall at his feet.

So last night my husband, pointed me to Christ.  He read  Psalm 77 to me and it encouraged my heart.  I need to look to Christ when I am struggling.  I need to turn to scriptures and be reminded of what is true.  I need to cry out to Christ and cry on his shoulder and cast all of my anxieties on him and leave them at his feet.  Then I need to trust that he is big enough to handle it and that HE WILL handle it.  It might not be handled how I want it to or as quick as I want it to be, but the Lord knows best.  Better than me that's for sure.

So I leave you with this, because I need to keep going back to it myself and maybe it can encourage someone else today....

Psalm 77
cry aloud to God,
    aloud to God, and he will hear me.
In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
    in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
    my soul refuses to be comforted.
When I remember God, I moan;
    when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah
You hold my eyelids open;
    I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
I consider the days of old,
    the years long ago.
I said, “Let me remember my song in the night;
    let me meditate in my heart.”
    Then my spirit made a diligent search:
“Will the Lord spurn forever,
    and never again be favorable?
Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
    Are his promises at an end for all time?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
    Has he in anger shut up his compassion?” Selah
10 Then I said, “I will appeal to this,
    to the years of the right hand of the Most High.”
11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
    yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
12 I will ponder all your work,
    and meditate on your mighty deeds.
13 Your way, O God, is holy.
    What god is great like our God?
14 You are the God who works wonders;
    you have made known your might among the peoples.
15 You with your arm redeemed your people,
    the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah
16 When the waters saw you, O God,
    when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
    indeed, the deep trembled.
17 The clouds poured out water;
    the skies gave forth thunder;
    your arrows flashed on every side.
18 The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
    your lightnings lighted up the world;
    the earth trembled and shook.
19 Your way was through the sea,
    your path through the great waters;
    yet your footprints were unseen.
20 You led your people like a flock
    by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

God is faithful.  He has been when I look back and he will be as we look ahead.  He loves me more than I could ever imagine.  I need to remember that daily (even moment by moment each day).

I know I am not the only one who feels like this?  If not right now, I know many have felt like this at some point right?  We all need to cling to Christ.  And keep being reminded every. single. day.  Because, we are broken and forgetful.

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